Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Candles never taste the way they smell
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does