I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE