@pattymo

After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”

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@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

@Avery24adw

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@michaelianblack

Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.

@shutupmikeginn

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@ItsSamG

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

@ElizaBayne

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE