After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.