“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her