You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Nobody wants to see your Ice Bucket Challenge video.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”