@mstern68

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

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@perlapell

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

@NikiWithIssues

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

@Darlainky

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

@Donna_McCoy

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”