@trojansauce

[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
FRODO: well?
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too

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@Tharin_P

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

@T_Longstreth

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@joejwest

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

@Tmoney68

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.