Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
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There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.