[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.


How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?


salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before


You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?


Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.


My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.


Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports