After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”


I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.


you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise


Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.


Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool


I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.


DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.


If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.


Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.