@ClaytonSykes

After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

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@envydatropic

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

@elunatyk

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

@rachelle_mandik

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

@GoldenSpirals

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

@jjax44

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

@VisionBored1

Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool

@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

@Tommytoughstuff

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

@jellybnbonanza

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

@SaltyCorpse

Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.