[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
uncle dave has been through hell
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.