@GoodZiIIa

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

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@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

@jergarl

[7am]

*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work

*can’t stay awake

[9pm]

*takes a sip of coffee

[2am]

I should vacuum the dog

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@SyrupTishus_01

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

@GamerPres2020

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

@Doughbvy

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

@MaraWilson

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

@linkindrinkin

priest: you must atone with a hail mary

quarterback: howd you get in the huddle

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.