*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work
*can’t stay awake
*takes a sip of coffee
I should vacuum the dog
and now we wait
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
priest: you must atone with a hail mary
quarterback: howd you get in the huddle
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.