[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Matt Goss
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
💯😂
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh