Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A drum solo but on your face.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.