What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“I’m helping” 😅
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Reporter: *ports again*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
For when Tinder doesn’t work
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”