[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.