“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.