After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You Might Also Like
Awesome parenting 馃槀
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Cop: ma鈥檃m i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn鈥檛 want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn鈥檛 have a dog in the car
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn鈥檛 see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It鈥檚 my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I鈥檇 get me a Joop
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If anyone鈥檚 interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I鈥檇 highly recommend my niece鈥檚 middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
yeet
And your jalape帽os, are they poppered in house?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
my retirement plan is braless
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.