After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Bit chilly again tonight.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*