After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.