@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

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@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

@bobby

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!