After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The first one, obviously
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses