Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Denise please return my vape pen
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad