@trojansauce

[after i confess to murder]

COP: sarge? you gotta see this

[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]

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@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@Brentweets

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

@ChicksRule

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

@Scimommy

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

@BuckyIsotope

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@trouteyes

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

@UncleDuke1969

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.