When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them