I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.