[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.


Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.


[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are


One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.


A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.


Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave


My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.


You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.


I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.