“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads