*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
You Might Also Like
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Wait a second…
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.