EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.
Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it