@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

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@theguywitheyes

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@BritXNic

Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@JamesHavoc

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@candace_9871

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@shutupmikeginn

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it