@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

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@JoeBerkowitz

The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.

@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@0000seapea808

When people tell me my skin is soft I canโ€™t help but wonder if theyโ€™re measuring me for a rug

@anerdonfire2

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

@Lisabug74

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

@rolldiggity

“They say penguins can’t fly. Can’t? Or never got the chance?” I whisper in the penguin’s ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.

@allisulli

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started

@Dis0beyJay

Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

@JudgmentalGay

Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.