After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?


ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?


Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?


Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation


In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym


I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due


Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.


I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.


Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.


You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.