@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

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@AnnietheNanny1

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@JustDontBugMe

Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?

@unrealRichardC

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

@Pirate_nurse

In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym

@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@karanbirtinna

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.