The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
“They say penguins can’t fly. Can’t? Or never got the chance?” I whisper in the penguin’s ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started
Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.