After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Have a lovely day 😊