me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me