@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

@Poutymcgee

I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”

@OakHill_

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

@fro_vo

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@myonlymizztake

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.