I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.