After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”


I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”


Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.


HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
MOM: same


I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”


People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.


I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.


Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.