@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

@ayosworIdd

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@elunatyk

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

@impJOKER

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

@RaiderDrJones

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

@cornax

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me