After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.