I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
these two trucks have the same bed length
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions