After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
You Might Also Like
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.