After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.


Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes


Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark


If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.


Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.


*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here


A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house


The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.


Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”