People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
How did we not see this back then?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”