After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again