Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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I’m straight but not “get my alibi” straight.
[interview with girl at dating agency]
i get shy around pretty girls
[girl smiles brushing hair from her face]
“are you shy now”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
Tomorrow is bring your hangover to work day.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
God: you’re nocturnal.
Cricket: what does that mean?
God: it means you can only be heard at night.
God: and after bad jokes lol.
Cricket: [cricket noises].
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.