Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply “What do you meme?”
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”