My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no