[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that