After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
s
oc
i
a
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.