Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
Computer: do you want to save the changes?
Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
and I invented oatmeal
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in