@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

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@okimstillhungry

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

@thenoahkinsey

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

@GrantTanaka

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

@IamEveryDayPpl

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@squirrel74wkgn

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

@ch000ch

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!