After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
True freaking story!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?