I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!