@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

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@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.

@Havish_AF

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@DanMentos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

@TheAndrewNadeau

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

@YuckyTom

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in