After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”