I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Do me a faver?
Look at any object near you
now imagen its a diferent thing
how was youre experience?
i imagened pencil is baseball
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you