After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….


Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’


Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.


[Jaws 5]

Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?

Spielberg: ACTION!!


I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another


*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top


Do me a faver?

Look at any object near you


now imagen its a diferent thing

how was youre experience?

i imagened pencil is baseball


Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07


Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no


Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you