After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My purse is deeper than some people.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Liquor Store Parking
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.