[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
we’re gonna need another temp
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.