@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

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@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@portmanteauface

“Don’t skip leg day” bro my home office is two flights of stairs away from the bathroom, every day is leg day and I’d kill a stranger to skip it just once

@That_Damn_Duck

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@reallifemommy3

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

@pixelatedboat

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …