[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
You Might Also Like
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Sharon, call the vet
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Ha
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*