[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
You Might Also Like
my mind
You just read my mind
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.