@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@krisv_723

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

@jnrbtsn

If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.