[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.