@AndyAsAdjective

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

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@tastefactory

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

@iQuoteComedy

If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

@0000seapea808

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

@hazelmotes1

Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@allycondie

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.