After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth