I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The best plant holders?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*