After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
You Might Also Like
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.