Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour gay.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER