@RaiderDrJones

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

@XAIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

@joefrog1

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

@RickAaron

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

@BoomBoomBetty

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.