[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Does beer think about me too?
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet