@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

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@Wine_Charmer

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

@Smooheed

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

@jil_slander

“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3

@pageantmalarkey

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@Shelts99

All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!

@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!