If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.
Dating is hard!
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!