@meganamram

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

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@AristotlesNZ

OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

@shopkins776

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@AlsBoy

This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well

@Bob_Heller

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

@FunnyBison

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

@JamesRonaldOK

Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:

@robfee

Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.