OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over
Eastbourne in the UK:
Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.