After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
You Might Also Like
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?