[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date


My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.


I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.


crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons



For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.