Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Migraine: Yes I am.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him