Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.
I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.
I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.