@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

You Might Also Like

@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

@MarcusTheToken

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@__ariannalp

crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons

#coronavirus

@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.