@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

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@juliussharpe

Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@leyawn

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

@J_Recommends

My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@egg_dog

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@SirEviscerate

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.