After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
No way!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.