[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
You Might Also Like
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.