GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
your honor my client chooses dare
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Happy Caturday!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye