[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts